Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
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‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
#parenting
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.