why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
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Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
when there are deer in the woods
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
bears
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
But I really needed water water water
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.