I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
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Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.