i smell a pulitzer
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“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute