Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
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If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I’m ready for Halloween this year