*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill