That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
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I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
⛄️
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.