My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
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My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
estão todos miauvindo?
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Body by sandwich.