It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
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Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
This one’s “Alex”.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Breaking news:
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.