The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
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Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”