I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
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“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
taking June’s advice to heart
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now