a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
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The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.