Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
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I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Noah
found this cool rock hiking today
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once