Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
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Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.