[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
You Might Also Like
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best