“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
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21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess