Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
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Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Me checking my bank balance online.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted