I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*