Trains are just sideway elevators.
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Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.