restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
You Might Also Like
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”