because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
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Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.