All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
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[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.