Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
You Might Also Like
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
How software testing works
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow