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[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Sell your car
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”