If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
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As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I love art.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children