Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
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I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
My five year plan is a meteorite
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.