She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
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H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Meowchelangelo
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.