THIS HEADLINE
You Might Also Like
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.