Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
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I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
this post was so formative to me
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.