Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
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Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
This made me smile…
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.