My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
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me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
🦝🔥🦝🔥
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
The first one, obviously
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector