I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
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C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Don’t snitch tag.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla