Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
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7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles