Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
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I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Me when my alarm goes off
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.