I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
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Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Cool shirt 🙂
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.