Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
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As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?