Lil Brain – Out of Leads
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You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
#milo
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win