*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
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I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.