Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
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Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever