Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
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I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I wish this was real life…
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
*jingles half the way*
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
My diet starts in January
of 2027