I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
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[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Woke up against my better judgment again
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*