I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
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Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.