My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
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Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
This is true.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG