person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
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After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
“Sheer Arrogance”
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.