(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
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No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
#damn
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.