People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
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Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!