Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
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My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
The government even made aliens boring
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.