my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
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[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
😲 WTF? 😆
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..