I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
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[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
These work great until they don’t.