What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
You Might Also Like
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful